Things I have learned about children since becoming a parent

1) All kids are different. Even when they are related.

2) Kids will repeat the things you least want them to. But they will do it with perfect timing. And it will be really hard not to laugh. But you must not.

3) Things are rarely as serious as they seem. In the beginning everything seems like a BIG DEAL but eventually you learn that some things just aren't.

4) Kids will throw tantrums when you are out. And you must resist the urge to wring their necks. You must ignore them and go about your business while enduring stares from others.

5) Other parents are most tolerant of screaming children and are most likely to reassure you that "we've all been there". Non parents are least tolerant and tend to adopt a frightened or disgusted look while observing the freak show that is your mid-tantrum child.

6) Children of all ages immediately seem to sense that Toys R Us is a magical land just for them. It must be avoided at all costs. If this is impossible, you must be prepared to leave with extra items.

7) Childrens toys consist of small pieces of plastic that are immediately lost. Oliver does not have an entire set of blocks or Legos or tools. Where do they go? It's a small house, I just don't understand.

8) The whining of a child is more grating than nails on a chalkboard. Especially in a confined space such as a car where it cannot be escaped.

9) If you must be somewhere at a specific time, it is mandatory to begin to prepare 45 minutes before departure. This time allows children sufficient time to complete the cycle: cry about having to go get dressed to go outside, insist on getting themselves ready, cry when boots don't go on, scream "no help" repeatedly after you have offered to help and then cry again because "need help!". Repeat twice.

10) No matter how much they cried that they didn't want to go outside, they will cry more when it's time to come inside.

11) Always always always bring food. It can be the difference between a pleasant trip anywhere and a hellish nightmare.

12) Do not be afraid to bribe your child. A threat may be similarly effective. Don't be afraid to use these tools.

13) If your kid thinks that frozen peas are a treat, go with it. Enjoy it while it lasts because he'll smarten up eventually.

14) Kids are a lot of fun and a lot of work. Be prepared to laugh a lot, cry a lot, be tired a lot and be very busy.

15) Buy wine. Lots of wine. To be consumed after children have gone to bed while laughing about the day. Because if you can't laugh about it you are seriously screwed.